Fuzzy Reflections From a New Mama

Sometimes, when thinking about Hunter's first few months of life, I'm not even sure what to remember.  I really do remember a lot from those beginning weeks, but sometimes I'm just not sure what emotions to remember from those days.  I try not to make it dramatic, since the only thing that really mattered, and really matters now, is that I have a healthy, well-adjusted child.  I remember fantastic times with friends and family, learning how to love a little baby so much more than anything else, and learning how in the world to keep it fed and happy.  I remember connecting with Jake in such a new amazing way, and watching him be a dad for the first time.  I remember just staring at Hunter all the time and wondering what kind of person he was going to be (or if he will ever put some meat on those bones!?) But, in the beginning, it was really really hard for me.  Perhaps it might have been less hard for someone else?  I don't know.  But at the time, I didn't realize how much the lack of sleep had taken a toll on me until I started looking back . . .

Here are just a few examples:

     *I repeatedly could NOT remember the tune to at least 3 well-known nursery rhyme songs.  Kjirstin was probably getting a little tired of singing nursery rhymes to me over the phone, as I seriously could NOT remember how they went.  And then I forgot again.  And again.  The same ones.  Scary?  Yes!

     *One time I thought Hunter had a little fever.  In fact, he may have, but it really, really was not even something to worry about.  However, within probably a 1-hour period I probably took his temperature at least 15-20 times.  And was I worried about his health?  Yes.  But that wasn't just it.  I actually couldn't remember the temperature I just took 5 minutes earlier.  When taking naps that day, I also was having nightmares of his little body shriveling up from his fever . . . ugh.  Totally blew his little temp out of proportion, thats for sure!

      *Multiple times I would wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I had squashed little Hunter.  Like seriously, so many times.  You may know that I sleep with a "shoulder pillow" so I am actually squishing something in my arms when I wake up, which makes it all the worse, but many many times when I woke up, I couldn't remember putting Hunter in his little bassinet before crawling back into bed.  Pretty much no memory of how I got the baby safely back to sleep.  Wow.  Thank God for good habits!

     *I kept a log of every single time I fed Hunter for at least one month.  Looking back at this log, I have to laugh, because the dates are all messed up, I wrote half of it with my LEFT hand (what?) and I kid you not, in the book, there are a few things written UPSIDE DOWN.  Haha.  The only thing that makes sense is what day of the week it is (because apparently that was easier to remember) and what time I started feeding him.  And in fact, remembering back- sometimes I couldn't figure out when the next day started, since I was obviously feeding him through the night.  Yikes!  Sometimes I'd write how long he ate, what side he ate on, when I pumped and how much, what his disposition was or how long he cried for, but really, its just this huge list of "clock times" that doesn't look as painful as it felt when writing them down!  :)

I once read a detailed description of Jake's mom's life right after Cory was born.  It was fascinating!  This is not in detail, but on a whim, here's a day in the life, when Hunter was 9 days old.  These are just the feeding times, with any notes I wrote down in the log.

Tuesday
12:40-1:00am
1:40-2:05
2:00-4:00 Extreme Fussy
4:10-4:20 L
4:40-4:50
7:15-7:50
9:30-10:05
12:20-12:50pm
2:20-3:10
4:20-4:45 (so irritable before feeding, similar to last evening)
5:45-6:18
8:25-9:05
11:08-11:38

Whew!

     *I don't think I've ever been more tired than RIGHT after I hear Hunter cry in the middle of the night.  Two things happen when he wakes up at night or in the morning  1) I am extremely alert, and could probably sprint from my bed within .001 seconds of the wake-up.  2) I feel as though if he hadn't woken up I could have slept for at least 14 hours if left to me (which obviously would never be true, but have I mentioned there's less logic in a sleep-deprived individual?)  Whenever I heard the cry I would sometimes think, "couldn't he have waited at least 5 more minutes?" as if that would make a difference, haha. . .

     *I felt like I was doing really really well with all of my emotions, not feeling frustrated at Hunter's hours of crying/screaming, not feeling depressed or struggling with post delivery blues (thank God!) and it seemed like I was keeping everything in check.  I just did what I did, and didn't think about it.  That is, until Mother's Day (4 weeks after Hunter was born).  I woke up mother's day morning (for the 6th time that morning) and really, really didn't think I could handle the day.  It was like I could do normal life, but at that moment the last thing I wanted to do was think about celebrating this tiring, tiring, so tiring role.  I gave in.  I bawled in bed that morning, "It's Just SO hard," I said.  "I don't know if I can' do it."  But I could.  And specifically on Mother's Day, God gave me more strength and energy to love Hunter even more, to celebrate my first Mother's Day full of God's blessings, and to host a family gathering at my house.  I could totally do it.  I even had fun.  But, I'm pretty sure someone in my family made me go take a nap later that afternoon, and boy, did I take them up on that!


When looking back at my little "log" today, I came across something I wrote randomly in it, a few weeks after he was born.  Its worth writing down for me to save, so I'll end with my thoughts as I sat nursing Hunter, 12 months ago.

Overflowing Wtih Joy

We are 3 Weeks, 2 Days into this parenting thing.  This amazing adventure that I've admittedly stated sometimes feels like a 'game'.  Can I actually wake up again in 2 hours?  Can I even remember to feed him?  Can I think of all the things a baby might need on a trip someday?  Oh, let's have 'tummy time', I've heard that's good for something!  And, if I feed this little bundle enough, its supposed to grow, right? Yikes!  Nothing else I've ever had has ever consistently grown - or continuously grown, for that matter!  Ex:  My hampster lasted me one night in my care.  No joke.  My rabbits would probably have been better off in someone else's home, as I didn't even really like them!  And plants? Don't even get me started!  I stepped on the first flowers Jake gave me, I have ruined even "easy-care" plants because of under/over-feeding, and Connie was the only reason anything stayed alive at work!  But wait.  Now, I am entrusted with the most needy, high-maintenance being in my home, and now in my arms, and I think I can give him what he needs?  Yes.  But.  Can I do it on my own?  Absolutely positively no way.  How do I know that this little boy with get the love he needs, the nutrients he needs, and the security he desires?  Only with God, my husband, my family, and my friends can I take this endeavor on, can I thrive at this lifelong adventure called parenting.  And, not only that, I know God has entrusted to me a human being; with a soul, with decision-making capabilities, with emotions, with fears, with pains, and with raw humanness; with sins.  Knowing this, I can recognize that this is no game.  This is a serious role and job title that I wish more people/parents would recognize the gravity.  Jake and I are shaping a human, a member of society, a beautiful baby boy on to a handsome, independent man.  He will be 'himself' no matter what, but at this point in the process, we get to wonder, dream and imagine all that he might be and could be.  We get to help him through the small decisions so when he has to make his own, he is firmly rooted in Christ, firmly holding to the standards He has set for us, and also remembering and integrating the standards we his parents have instilled in him.  So am I scared to do this?  Absolutely.  And no way.  Both fears and excitement lace my brain at every moment and I couldn't be more full of emotions as I have been for the past 3 weeks.  I am simply overflowing with joy at Hunter's entrance into the world (miracle), at the amount of help and support we have received through the process, and now, with the complicated realization that this is for good, this is permanent.  This is what God wants from me.  This is beautiful, this is life, this is sacrifice, this is ultimate love.  Besides Jesus and my husband, this love overpowers them all.  Even at 3am.  Even when things hurt, even when I say no to an event, even when I'm so tired I don't think I can go on.  This is a new level of deep and a new role to play.  This is mothering and I'm so thankful its not like feeding the hampster or watering the plants.  Hunter is a precious jewel and everything Jake and I have waited for.  Thank you Lord for bringing him into our lives and letting us be his parents.  We are excited beyond measure and thankful beyond words.  Lord, walk with us through this journey and keep our little man safe and secure in your arms.  Amen.   4/25/11